I’m a mom of two teenage boys, and I have been smoking marijuana on and off throughout their childhood. I have been struggling with trying to quit since they were age two, which has been for the last 13 years. Things had gotten overwhelming, so stressful and chaotic in my life that I was using marijuana to cope; to help myself get through the day, to face another load of laundry, another set of dishes, another batch of meals.
I have had several sessions with Renee Swisko, but I finally brought up about smoking marijuana in our latest session. I was too ashamed to admit it before, fearing that she would judge me for it. I had tried to stop for years but what made me reveal it to Renee was the idea that my kids are teenagers now and they’re at the point where I have to start watching them and making sure they’re not getting into drugs. What she told me was life altering and helped me understand the threat my marijuana addiction posed to my kids; the idea of me being the conduit of the energy for them to be attracted to drugs, and just due to the vibration of my being so altered around them, (even though they didn’t know it) was enough to make it attractive to my kids. It was really quite an “aha” moment for me. I understood as a mom I have to be more awake and aware of all the energies that are coming into the house, and this one was my creation!
Since the session with Renee I haven’t had any desire whatsoever for marijuana. I’ve thrown all of my “stash” away. It’s the first time since I started smoking that I feel like I’m free of it. It’s sort of unbelievable, but it’s like I’m seeing my kids and my husband for the first time in years now that I don’t have this smoke screen between me and them. And I’m stronger and able to set boundaries better than I was before.
I realized that in the past when things got stressful I would smoke, which would sort of take me out of the situation, convincing myself I was able to cope better on some level. But I can see now that it only got more overwhelming and made things worse and worse. Renee explained to me that marijuana can bring in new energies that make you feel a lot more anger and fear, often on a subconscious level. Instead of dealing with life in a very neutral way, your emotions can be much more escalated, which is one of marijuana’s side effects. Perhaps initially marijuana will dull your senses and seem to make life easier, but a day, or two or three days later, it can bring in energies that make you feel like you need it again just to be able to cope.
I have seen how marijuana dulls and bends your senses, creating a smoke screen between you and other people so that you think you don’t feel the stress of life. It masks your emotions, really. And then they come back at you like a jack-in-the-box, which makes you want to use it again. I realize now that it is necessary to feel all your emotions, including stress, in order to adapt and change, and to just be present.
I am so thankful for how this session with Renee has changed my life. I’m not even sure how it happened, but I’m hoping it’s going to stick, because for the first time I feel like I am in control of this addiction. I no longer need the self-medication, that phony coping mechanism; now I find I can actually seek better ways of coping. I’ve also noticed my struggle with healthy eating is easing - I’ve been able to stick to a much better diet since our session, and am integrating exercise into my routine. Hopefully the excess weight I’ve been trying to lose since the birth of my kids will start coming off as a consequence. But I’m not even focusing on that. I’m focusing on feeling good and clear and staying present with people I love in my life.